peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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