I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
