It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
