Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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