Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
only you would photoshop your dick
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
