i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
