It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
