mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
