Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
