I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
