there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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