I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
