Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
