I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
