shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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