I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize