textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
