he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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