Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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