When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
