yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
