How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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