found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Come see our sink grown plant.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
