my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
