put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Vodka?
Forever.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
