and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
