K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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