I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
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