What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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