there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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