Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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