Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
