I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
