His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
