You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
