wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
