I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
