I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
