his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
