Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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