Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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