Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
