If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize