I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
you made out with another girl for some wings
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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