dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize