my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
