The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
