i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
