also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
