why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
