girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
