We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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