you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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