Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
