Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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