apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
