I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
