just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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