So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
