I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
