i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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