I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Randomize
