coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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