EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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